And breathe me…

I feel like I’m drowning. I’m really fucking lonely. I know it’s crazy to say you’re lonely when there are billions of people in the world. I see people, talk to people everyday. Everyday I see people. But they’re just a sea of faces and I look at them but they see through me.
People tell me that after everything I’ve been through they don’t know how I go on. Even then they don’t know the full story. There are things I have been through I won’t tell anybody. Truth is im not going on. I’m here but I’m drifting. I don’t know who I am. I stare in the mirror to a pair of eyes staring back at Me I don’t know. Everyday, it feels as though I’m living in a film or looking through a glass screen at a strangers life.

When I hear my name, I don’t know who it is. I don’t remember who the real Rosie is. I know the person I want to be… but I don’t know how to be it anymore. 

It is the hardest thing ever starting a blank page rebuilding yourself and finding out who you really are after pretending to be someone else for so long, or was I pretending? I don’t know. All I know is I never felt good enough and tried time and time again to be someone else to make people like me. Ever since I was young. And nothing I ever did, whoever I pretended to be, was never enough.

Now I know the only person who can make me happy is me. I’ve learnt it in the cruelest way. While I know that I’m going to be okay, I can get through this, I’ve already got through so much I know that this pain, this horrible loss and memory and trauma is something that I will always have to live with. Sometimes I may forget, but there’ll be times when I remember and it will hurt so much just as it does now.

I don’t think anyone knows how much it hurts that everything you thought you knew was a lie… everything you wanted you don’t even know if you want it anymore. My dreams… everything has turned into dust over these past few years. I’m dust. I’ve been ground down and down until I’m merely a powder, severely fragile.

Pain changes you and you can either turn that pain into power or let it destroy you. What I never knew was there is such a fine line between the two and doing everything you can to not go back there is drauning and exhausting. And once you lose your balance and fall slightly back into the dark end it is SO SO hard to get back to the bright side and like starting all over again.

I feel like I can’t breathe and I just want to turn back time so I never ever had to go through any of this. I’m going to carry on because my little princess needs me. And I know I’ll be happy again someday. But this pain is now a part of me and is never going to go away and that kills me.

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From suicidal to suave in one week

***when I say suicidal, it’s just there in the back of my mind. I would never ever have acted on those feelings because my daughter needs me!***

The night before I started writing this I went on my first girly night out in a long while. I did so well. I honestly thought I would crumble or break down. But I was confident- whereas usually I would run away from these situations, I went to the bar and toilet on my own, got up and danced, talked to new people! 
I never ever knew I could be so strong. People always told me when I had situations I thought I would never get over or come out of ‘you’re strong and you can get through this’. But honestly? I was never strong. I just tolerated. 

I settled myself down to the fact that my life was crap. And the only happiness I’d find would be a boyfriend. Any bad stuff that happened to me or bad episodes for depression… tormented by my past…I didn’t get myself out of them. I just carried on in the pain, hating myself, wanting to die, until I found some happiness.

So whenever I found happiness, I kept hold of it for as long as I possibly could. Even if in the long run it was making me unhappy those moments of happiness were worth it. Which is why i was absolutely devastated when my relationship ended.

I spent about two days pretty much in bed or lay on the sofa, not eating or sleeping really. I thought my life had ended. I had these awful thoughts buzzing around my head but I made myself fight them. I found myself thinking ‘if I can fight thoughts of suicide, why not thoughts of depression?’

And suddenly, I felt like I’d grown. Like I was awake. It was like a switch turned on in my mind. And last night, I thought my life has been leading up to this moment. Everything I’ve been through has been leading me to here.

Instead of negative thoughts entering my mind constantly, tearing away at me, I can now dismiss them. And instead positive thoughts have started to enter my mind and I turn the dial up to make those thoughts LOUDER.

I’ve also been noticing all the beauty in the world and been grateful. Because my life is nowhere as near as bad as I thought it was. I may have had a bad past, have things I’ve been through, but that’s done now. Those things are gone, and I can TAKE that pain and use it for the good.

I’ve put all the negative energy and used it to move forward by helping other people and helping myself. I honestly never knew I could be strong like this and I’m amazed and now I’m actually EXCITED for my future. Really really excited.

Don’t get me wrong there are still moments where I feel pain, where I want to break down and cry. But I distract myself and I don’t stay in that bad place. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I know things are going to be alright, and I know I am a worthy person and I can do this. And I’m pretty sure you can too. And you will. ❤

A little piece of heaven

I’ve lost my shit today. Many times. My daughter has been whingey and non stop, I have had thoughts about my loss last year and a raw lost relationship. I have tried to keep myself extremely busy and one of my cats keeps pissing in the house and the smell of cat pee is lingering everywhere no matter how hard I clean. 

But today, I had a really beautiful experience and moment and I wanted to share it with you all.

I’m friends with this 70+ year old wonderful woman. Basically, as I’m currently stuck being a stay at home mum, I wanted to do something to get me out of the house that I’d enjoy whilst helping others. To give me a sense of self worth and basically, so I didn’t lose my shit completely.

So together, me and this lady would walk this gorgeous guy once a week for his owner who was brain damaged and couldn’t walk him. 


The poor beauty was stuck in doors 3 days a week except for the day we could walk him. Eventually he has gone to live with his foster carer the other three days. However he is in ill health so me and the lady still walk him once a week. Isn’t he beautiful?

The woman knows I suffer with depression, as does she and she understands and she knows animals are great therapy. She herself has a rescue dog who gets separation anxiety, and if she is going out she often has to wake up at 5 am to be able to take him for a walk. So some mornings I have offered to dog sit for her.

Anyway, after taking him out for a lovely walk, I sat with Busker in the ladies garden. It was small, but beautiful. Full of gorgeous yellow flowers. My daughter would have loved it- she’s obsessed with yellow.

I read a chapter of a self help book and I breathed in and out, smelt the flowers and felt the cool breeze on my skin whilst listening to the wind and the sound of school children playing nearby, breathing deeply, and I got tingles all over my body, not because of the cold and I felt my body transforming and my mind.

Then I allowed my thoughts to flow through me, I didn’t fight them. They were awful. Of grief, loss, heartbreak, hatred, self hatred, the list goes on. 

And then I woke up and told myself ‘what people have done to me is no reflection on me, I forgive them and am ready to let go. I am worthy of love and I am ready to let go and move on. I am fantastic. I am a fantastic person and I love life. I am worthy of love and ready to receive abundance. I can get through this and am ready to receive happiness.’

I feel sad still but so much clearer and tingly all over my body. I feel I’m on the way to moving on, to transforming. Allowing myself to feel those thoughts and not fight them cleared all the negativity and left me room for positive thoughts to enter. Now I know what thoughts I need to fight my subconscious against.

It was an amazing thing you know? At the start of this week I didn’t think I could go on, although I knew I always would! I couldn’t eat or sleep and never thought I would find peace or smile again. But now, I am starting to. This time next year, I will look back and wonder what I was even worrying about, although I will never forget what I have lost the pain won’t be so raw.

Point of the matter is, the human spirit is strong. You can achieve anything you put your mind through, and get through anything you think you won’t get through. 

Like a cut down tree I will rise again

For the past few weeks and months I have been feeling a lot of emotions. Negative emotions. Pain, anger, anxiety, fear. I’ve been an absolute mess it’s safe to say.

There are moments of clarity, where positive thoughts pop into my head. They’re rare but I hold onto them for as long as I possibly can, and they become more and more frequent. And after watching a Tony Robbins documentary I’m feeling clearer. 

Why should I suffer? There’s a difference between pain an suffering. Pain is there all the time, but I could make the choice to use that pain and turn it into something good to move on. Suffering is wallowing, not wanting to get better, not being able to eat or sleep or do anything. That’s what I’ve been doing.

I’m going to do everything possible I can to get myself through this and do something good with this pain. I’ve been through a hell of a lot of trauma. I can really help people because I know what it feels like to feel the worst kind of pain. I just need to figure out how.

Today

Today I’m not feeling very good, but more positive thoughts are poking through. 

My mum came home from holiday last night and it was so great to see her. I didn’t realise how much I need and love her. She took me to the doctors as an emergency appointment where I was referred for counselling and have been given some tablets to take 3 times a day for anxiety. Kind of like Valium but they’re really good and help. I’m feeling very tired, so I’m hoping they’ll help me finally sleep. I’ve also started eating again today.

I know things seem really bleak right now, but I’m done being unhappy. I deserve to be happy more than anything, and it’s time to buck myself up and focus on myself and Sophia. I’m going to work out how I can get myself a job or go to college. 

I’m going to look forward and stop thinking of what I can do rather than what I can’t. Because I have so much time infront of me and so much potential. Only way is up.

If anyone has tips for moving on from grief/loss/breakup that’d be great ❤

Hate feelings 

I don’t really know what to do or how to feel. 
I’m not eating or sleeping very well, just enough to keep me alive. I feel so tired and messed up. The worst part is trying to keep a brave face for my child. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done, but I’ll do it for her.
I have lost the one person who made me happy, made me feel loved and wanted. And it wasn’t perfect. But to me, he was. I have all these memories buzzing around in my head and the pain is too much to bear. I’m absolutely devastated to be cut off. I thought we were something. I thought he needed me like I need him. 
And yesterday, Mother’s Day, was one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long while. I spent it inside, alone with my daughter. I should have had two children with me, and I had one. 

Ouch, I have lost myself again

I’m feeling low today. Really, really low. Broken.

I often go through a period of bad days where no amount of positive thinking will block out the negative thoughts and I don’t even want to try. On these days I cry and struggle to eat and sleep. Throw into the mix looking after a tantruming and sleepless toddler on your own and you have a complete mental wreck.

But when I’m going through this period, and something else has happened, it’s hard to stay together and not fall apart. Thankfully, my sisters come down from London to be with me and help out with my daughter. And I visited a friend today who herself is having a good time and we’ve agreed to support each other.

But I really don’t feel myself. I’ve had my heart smashed into a million pieces and I don’t know if I’m ever going to recover despite pretending to be okay. Not just by a man, but this past year and a half in pretty much every way possible. 

This past 5 years I’ve been pretending to be somebody I’m not. To myself, to men, to family, all to please other people or keep them in my life. I don’t even know who I am anymore, and I don’t know how to find myself again. I feel lost, and you know how in my other post I described depression as a bear hug holding you tight? That hug is becoming more and more suffocating. I feel like I can’t breathe.

It kind of feels like swimming. I am 4’10 feet tall and loved to dive in the deep end but always struggled to keep my head above water, kicking so hard and panting for breath due to my asthma. I was smaller last time I was in that deep swimming pool. I had to be carried out of the pool by a guard, but this time there’s nobody left to carry me. I have to keep swimming and swimming and fighting even though all of my energy is gone and I can’t do it anymore.

But what choice do I have? To drown? Leave my daughter behind? Not be around for things to get better. No, I have to fight. I have to keep kicking, even if it hurts and I am so so tired and just want to give in. My daughter needs her mummy, and for her I will survive.