So it’s been another rough night with my little one. Shes two years old and like a midget evil dictator with a speech impediment. I found myself thinking; Who knew parenthood would be like this? If I knew would I still have her? Of course I would but I wish I had been prepared.The parenting books and forums rarely focus on the negatives of parenthood. Here is my list of things I wish I knew.
1. Disgusting things will happen to your body
When I got pregnant, I was 19 years old and I was expecting a few stretchmarks. That was bad enough. What I didn’t expect was the saggy stomach and other stuff which I won’t go into detail about. Let’s just say my body kind of resembles an OAP’s.
2. You will become a part time alcoholic
There are times when, after an hour of fighting my daughter down, I will indulge in a big glass of wine… Or two… Or three…
3. You won’t repel men, you’ll attract them
After I split with my daughters dad I was scared of finding love again but I’ve attracted more men then I used to in a weird way. But not all of them are great.. ‘Hey milf’ could you fucking not?
4. A baby is not a band aid
I dreamed of being a mum since I was young confident that a baby would make everything better in my life especially my depression and finally make me feel loved. Yes I feel loved but I also feel frustrated and exhausted and extremely depressed 50% of the time. Parenthood is not all giggling babies and butterflies especially doing it alone.
5. Pelvic floor excersizes are very important.
Unless you want to piss everywhere when you sneeze cough or laugh. Nuff said.
6. What is privacy?
For about five years you will not be able to pee in peace, eat in peace, get changed in peace etc etc. Infact you can say goodbye to having a meal to yourself without having little hands all over it!
7. No daytime TV
You can forget watching what you want on TV until your child is fast asleep. If I even think about turning off cbeebies I get screamed it. I know all the words to the theme tunes backwards. And yes, it will drive you insane.
8. No sleep for two years
The bad sleeping is only temporary? It will get better? HAHAHAHAHAHhhHQ
9. Housework? Forget it
Your house will no longer be sparkling clean and your living room will look like a toy shop. Yeah you think you can do it when the kids at nursery or asleep but in reality you will be napping or watching all the soap reruns and Jeremy Kyle you can tolerate. While eating all the snacks you can NEVER have to yourself.
In conclusion parenting is bloody hard. I cry a lot, I look like a zombie and I snap at everybody. But in a weird way I have never been happier. I created this beautiful, intelligent and evil little human who loves me so much and depends on me. And I love her. Especially when she’s asleep.
If anyone told me how hard it is nothing would prepare me. The past two years have been a whirlwind of shitty nappies and sleepless nights… But those moments she smiles and giggles and learns a new word… And when somebody tells you how beautiful and well turned out your kid is make it all worth it.
Being a parent is the toughest thing that I’ve ever been through but she is the best thing that ever happened to me. She keeps me strong and makes me never want to give up and I am so thankful to her for that.