It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog but I feel like the time has come to let it all out. It’s been too long since I’ve literally sat and thought about my feelings and written them all out.
2016 was supposed to be my year. Now, I’m finally realising it is. But not in the way I was expecting it to be. I expected it to be plain sailing, be happy. Learn to do Makeup and pass my driving test just like that.
Fact is, this has been the hardest year of my life and it has been anything but plain sailing. I have been dealing with loss, betrayal, heartbreak and much more in between. But I have honestly learnt so much. If I could change the way this year has gone, I wouldnt. I’m not sad anymore, I’m empowered.
There was a point fairly recently where I felt I couldn’t go on. Now I’ve been there many times before, but this time was severe. And it’s awful, because there’s nothing you can do about it. Especially when there is a life depending on you to be okay and to look after, and you have to fake a smile everyday of your life. It’s a place I can’t describe and I never want to go back to. Not even the supposed ‘mental health support’ would help me out.
But sometimes, things happen for a reason and after being in hospital with my physical health and alone with my awful thoughts for five days (That was not fun. There was begging for sleeping tablets and panic attacks, severe.) i began to realise what I truly had, and what was important. I nearly fucking DIED. I’m not kidding. I escaped intensive care through the skin of my teeth, because I didn’t want to be away from my daughter and so I thought. Doctors from the ICU visited me everyday. Making sure I was strong enough to stay out of it!
After coming out, I was like a different person. My life had literally changed in a week. I had cut out bad people, and surrounded myself by those who would only lift me up. I had been reunited with the daughter who, until I went in, i co slept and breastfed.
In hospital, I wasn’t thinking about what I didn’t have. I was missing what I did have, and I was feeling grateful and yearning for my child. Due to this, my spirits were raised. My thoughts were only positive, and it was this that got me through. I have continued in that mindset ever since.
Whilst life has not yet given me a break, I am confident it will and I have never felt happier. I am blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people, and I appreciate them so much more and am closer to them. I am now closer to a career also, although I wont push myself too far. My health is more important.
I don’t look in the mirror anymore and hate myself, infact most of the time I smile. And if my daughter won’t go to sleep, I do not cry in frustration instead I watch her and enjoy her.
And I’ve finally realised that when people hurt me, I am not to blame. Peoples actions are no reflection on me and that’s a whole new wake up call. I would never be this positive about myself before but I am a lovely person. I am kind, pretty hilarious, and always give all my heart. If people want to tear somebody so giving down, then there is something seriously wrong with them and not me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still having bad days such as today. My mood has been up and down like a whores kecks today. I have felt lonely, needy and tired and weepy. I’ve had a gray cloud over my head. But unlike before, I know that everything is temporary and this pain will pass. Hopefully meditation tonight will help, although I keep falling asleep doing it!
I have a long road ahead of me, but I never thought I’d get here where I am today by myself. I am feeling more me than in a while. I have started singing again, writing again. I have finally realised that I am a great person and I can make myself happy, by myself, for myself and my little girl. I have the power to change my life, and see all the beauty in the world. Good things will come, but they take time. They don’t happen straight away, but they’re worth waiting for. I can do this.