New trials and tribulations..

When something goes wrong in your life, you get two options; either you break the fuck down completely, or you fight.

For the first time in my life and for the past few weeks, I have chosen to fight when usually I would break down. It is the hardest, most liberating thing I have ever done in my life (other than give birth to my beautiful daughter). However, not every day can you be strong. Some days you are so exhausted you can’t get back up. Some days, you want to throw the towel in and scream ‘WHY.’

Today for me is one of those days. I went to the doctor this morning. After trying so hard to do things on my own, I finally acknowledged I need help. If there’s anything I’ve learnt from positivity and mindfulness, it’s who I really am. And even I know it is not normal to one day feel high as a kite, and the next to be bursting into tears at the drop of a hat.

I was told this morning that I possibly have bipolar disorder, and I’ve been put on a different course of medication that should balance out my moods. I wanted to scream obscenities and throw the tablets at the doctors face, saying I don’t need them.

But do you know what I’ve realised? I’ve come far. So, so far. I have been to hell and back and now, I still manage, and am starting to notice, the beauty in the world. I feel as though I am a flower, opening up, catching raindrops and am absorbing them, using them to grow.

A new journey means more lessons learnt. More appreciation out of life.

Why am I writing this? Because it’s important. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of. People don’t get me. I rant when I’m in one of my moods; I brood and cry. Or when I’m huper, sometimes I’m even more annoying. But I’m one step closer to finding out who I am. Depression, bipolar, whatever- it’s not me. I am a person with a beautiful mind who just wants to be adored and this blog is going to help show who I really am.

 

 

The Power of Gratitude

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog but I feel like the time has come to let it all out. It’s been too long since I’ve literally sat and thought about my feelings and written them all out.

2016 was supposed to be my year. Now, I’m finally realising it is. But not in the way I was expecting it to be. I expected it to be plain sailing, be happy. Learn to do Makeup and pass my driving test just like that.

Fact is, this has been the hardest year of my life and it has been anything but plain sailing. I have been dealing with loss, betrayal, heartbreak and much more in between. But I have honestly learnt so much. If I could change the way this year has gone, I wouldnt. I’m not sad anymore, I’m empowered.

There was a point fairly recently where I felt I couldn’t go on. Now I’ve been there many times before, but this time was severe. And it’s awful, because there’s nothing you can do about it. Especially when there is a life depending on you to be okay and to look after, and you have to fake a smile everyday of your life. It’s a place I can’t describe and I never want to go back to. Not even the supposed ‘mental health support’ would help me out.

But sometimes, things happen for a reason and after being in hospital with my physical health and alone with my awful thoughts for five days (That was not fun. There was begging for sleeping tablets and panic attacks, severe.) i began to realise what I truly had, and what was important. I nearly fucking DIED. I’m not kidding. I escaped intensive care through the skin of my teeth, because I didn’t want to be away from my daughter and so I thought. Doctors from the ICU visited me everyday. Making sure I was strong enough to stay out of it!

After coming out, I was like a different person. My life had literally changed in a week. I had cut out bad people, and surrounded myself by those who would only lift me up. I had been reunited with the daughter who, until I went in, i co slept and breastfed.

In hospital, I wasn’t thinking about what I didn’t have. I was missing what I did have, and I was feeling grateful and yearning for my child. Due to this, my spirits were raised. My thoughts were only positive, and it was this that got me through. I have continued in that mindset ever since.

Whilst life has not yet given me a break, I am confident it will and I have never felt happier. I am blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people, and I appreciate them so much more and am closer to them. I am now closer to a career also, although I wont push myself too far. My health is more important.

I don’t look in the mirror anymore and hate myself, infact most of the time I smile. And if my daughter won’t go to sleep, I do not cry in frustration instead I watch her and enjoy her.

And I’ve finally realised that when people hurt me, I am not to blame. Peoples actions are no reflection on me and that’s a whole new wake up call. I would never be this positive about myself before but I am a lovely person. I am kind, pretty hilarious, and always give all my heart. If people want to tear somebody so giving down, then there is something seriously wrong with them and not me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still having bad days such as today. My mood has been up and down like a whores kecks today. I have felt lonely, needy and tired and weepy. I’ve had a gray cloud over my head. But unlike before, I know that everything is temporary and this pain will pass. Hopefully meditation tonight will help, although I keep falling asleep doing it!

I have a long road ahead of me, but I never thought I’d get here where I am today by myself. I am feeling more me than in a while. I have started singing again, writing again. I have finally realised that I am a great person and I can make myself happy, by myself, for myself and my little girl. I have the power to change my life, and see all the beauty in the world. Good things will come, but they take time. They don’t happen straight away, but they’re worth waiting for. I can do this.

;-