When something goes wrong in your life, you get two options; either you break the fuck down completely, or you fight.
For the first time in my life and for the past few weeks, I have chosen to fight when usually I would break down. It is the hardest, most liberating thing I have ever done in my life (other than give birth to my beautiful daughter). However, not every day can you be strong. Some days you are so exhausted you can’t get back up. Some days, you want to throw the towel in and scream ‘WHY.’
Today for me is one of those days. I went to the doctor this morning. After trying so hard to do things on my own, I finally acknowledged I need help. If there’s anything I’ve learnt from positivity and mindfulness, it’s who I really am. And even I know it is not normal to one day feel high as a kite, and the next to be bursting into tears at the drop of a hat.
I was told this morning that I possibly have bipolar disorder, and I’ve been put on a different course of medication that should balance out my moods. I wanted to scream obscenities and throw the tablets at the doctors face, saying I don’t need them.
But do you know what I’ve realised? I’ve come far. So, so far. I have been to hell and back and now, I still manage, and am starting to notice, the beauty in the world. I feel as though I am a flower, opening up, catching raindrops and am absorbing them, using them to grow.
A new journey means more lessons learnt. More appreciation out of life.
Why am I writing this? Because it’s important. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of. People don’t get me. I rant when I’m in one of my moods; I brood and cry. Or when I’m huper, sometimes I’m even more annoying. But I’m one step closer to finding out who I am. Depression, bipolar, whatever- it’s not me. I am a person with a beautiful mind who just wants to be adored and this blog is going to help show who I really am.