A little piece of heaven

I’ve lost my shit today. Many times. My daughter has been whingey and non stop, I have had thoughts about my loss last year and a raw lost relationship. I have tried to keep myself extremely busy and one of my cats keeps pissing in the house and the smell of cat pee is lingering everywhere no matter how hard I clean. 

But today, I had a really beautiful experience and moment and I wanted to share it with you all.

I’m friends with this 70+ year old wonderful woman. Basically, as I’m currently stuck being a stay at home mum, I wanted to do something to get me out of the house that I’d enjoy whilst helping others. To give me a sense of self worth and basically, so I didn’t lose my shit completely.

So together, me and this lady would walk this gorgeous guy once a week for his owner who was brain damaged and couldn’t walk him. 


The poor beauty was stuck in doors 3 days a week except for the day we could walk him. Eventually he has gone to live with his foster carer the other three days. However he is in ill health so me and the lady still walk him once a week. Isn’t he beautiful?

The woman knows I suffer with depression, as does she and she understands and she knows animals are great therapy. She herself has a rescue dog who gets separation anxiety, and if she is going out she often has to wake up at 5 am to be able to take him for a walk. So some mornings I have offered to dog sit for her.

Anyway, after taking him out for a lovely walk, I sat with Busker in the ladies garden. It was small, but beautiful. Full of gorgeous yellow flowers. My daughter would have loved it- she’s obsessed with yellow.

I read a chapter of a self help book and I breathed in and out, smelt the flowers and felt the cool breeze on my skin whilst listening to the wind and the sound of school children playing nearby, breathing deeply, and I got tingles all over my body, not because of the cold and I felt my body transforming and my mind.

Then I allowed my thoughts to flow through me, I didn’t fight them. They were awful. Of grief, loss, heartbreak, hatred, self hatred, the list goes on. 

And then I woke up and told myself ‘what people have done to me is no reflection on me, I forgive them and am ready to let go. I am worthy of love and I am ready to let go and move on. I am fantastic. I am a fantastic person and I love life. I am worthy of love and ready to receive abundance. I can get through this and am ready to receive happiness.’

I feel sad still but so much clearer and tingly all over my body. I feel I’m on the way to moving on, to transforming. Allowing myself to feel those thoughts and not fight them cleared all the negativity and left me room for positive thoughts to enter. Now I know what thoughts I need to fight my subconscious against.

It was an amazing thing you know? At the start of this week I didn’t think I could go on, although I knew I always would! I couldn’t eat or sleep and never thought I would find peace or smile again. But now, I am starting to. This time next year, I will look back and wonder what I was even worrying about, although I will never forget what I have lost the pain won’t be so raw.

Point of the matter is, the human spirit is strong. You can achieve anything you put your mind through, and get through anything you think you won’t get through. 

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Like a cut down tree I will rise again

For the past few weeks and months I have been feeling a lot of emotions. Negative emotions. Pain, anger, anxiety, fear. I’ve been an absolute mess it’s safe to say.

There are moments of clarity, where positive thoughts pop into my head. They’re rare but I hold onto them for as long as I possibly can, and they become more and more frequent. And after watching a Tony Robbins documentary I’m feeling clearer. 

Why should I suffer? There’s a difference between pain an suffering. Pain is there all the time, but I could make the choice to use that pain and turn it into something good to move on. Suffering is wallowing, not wanting to get better, not being able to eat or sleep or do anything. That’s what I’ve been doing.

I’m going to do everything possible I can to get myself through this and do something good with this pain. I’ve been through a hell of a lot of trauma. I can really help people because I know what it feels like to feel the worst kind of pain. I just need to figure out how.

Today

Today I’m not feeling very good, but more positive thoughts are poking through. 

My mum came home from holiday last night and it was so great to see her. I didn’t realise how much I need and love her. She took me to the doctors as an emergency appointment where I was referred for counselling and have been given some tablets to take 3 times a day for anxiety. Kind of like Valium but they’re really good and help. I’m feeling very tired, so I’m hoping they’ll help me finally sleep. I’ve also started eating again today.

I know things seem really bleak right now, but I’m done being unhappy. I deserve to be happy more than anything, and it’s time to buck myself up and focus on myself and Sophia. I’m going to work out how I can get myself a job or go to college. 

I’m going to look forward and stop thinking of what I can do rather than what I can’t. Because I have so much time infront of me and so much potential. Only way is up.

If anyone has tips for moving on from grief/loss/breakup that’d be great ❤

Hate feelings 

I don’t really know what to do or how to feel. 
I’m not eating or sleeping very well, just enough to keep me alive. I feel so tired and messed up. The worst part is trying to keep a brave face for my child. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done, but I’ll do it for her.
I have lost the one person who made me happy, made me feel loved and wanted. And it wasn’t perfect. But to me, he was. I have all these memories buzzing around in my head and the pain is too much to bear. I’m absolutely devastated to be cut off. I thought we were something. I thought he needed me like I need him. 
And yesterday, Mother’s Day, was one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long while. I spent it inside, alone with my daughter. I should have had two children with me, and I had one. 

Ouch, I have lost myself again

I’m feeling low today. Really, really low. Broken.

I often go through a period of bad days where no amount of positive thinking will block out the negative thoughts and I don’t even want to try. On these days I cry and struggle to eat and sleep. Throw into the mix looking after a tantruming and sleepless toddler on your own and you have a complete mental wreck.

But when I’m going through this period, and something else has happened, it’s hard to stay together and not fall apart. Thankfully, my sisters come down from London to be with me and help out with my daughter. And I visited a friend today who herself is having a good time and we’ve agreed to support each other.

But I really don’t feel myself. I’ve had my heart smashed into a million pieces and I don’t know if I’m ever going to recover despite pretending to be okay. Not just by a man, but this past year and a half in pretty much every way possible. 

This past 5 years I’ve been pretending to be somebody I’m not. To myself, to men, to family, all to please other people or keep them in my life. I don’t even know who I am anymore, and I don’t know how to find myself again. I feel lost, and you know how in my other post I described depression as a bear hug holding you tight? That hug is becoming more and more suffocating. I feel like I can’t breathe.

It kind of feels like swimming. I am 4’10 feet tall and loved to dive in the deep end but always struggled to keep my head above water, kicking so hard and panting for breath due to my asthma. I was smaller last time I was in that deep swimming pool. I had to be carried out of the pool by a guard, but this time there’s nobody left to carry me. I have to keep swimming and swimming and fighting even though all of my energy is gone and I can’t do it anymore.

But what choice do I have? To drown? Leave my daughter behind? Not be around for things to get better. No, I have to fight. I have to keep kicking, even if it hurts and I am so so tired and just want to give in. My daughter needs her mummy, and for her I will survive. 

Coping mechanisms for the bad times 

I’ve been wanting to make this post for a while now, and I’ve decided now is the time. I’m relatively relaxed. Candles are lit, my daughter is fast asleep after spending the day with her father, and I have a glass of wine in my hand to enjoy it rather than take the edge away whilst I watch orange is the new black.

But it’s hard to know what to say. There is honestly so much to say. I wanted to make a post on depression, and offer hope to those who really feel like there is no way out. I’ve felt that way, oh god haven’t I. I’ve been there so many times. But I have learnt some coping mechanisms that I want to share.

These past few weeks of my life.. no, months, even years I guess, have been testing. They’d be testing for somebody who hasn’t suffered from depression and anxiety from the age of.. what 12, 13? 

This past year I’ve been in hospital after nearly losing my life. No, seriously. Ive said goodbye to a pregnancy, I’ve cut off a parent, cut off a ‘best friend’, suffered betrayal, problems with money… the list goes ON and ON.

But you know what I’ve realised? Problems often come like snowballs. You know why? Because I give up on myself. I don’t fight. People usually told me whilst I was suffering severely to change my perspective, look on the bright side, stop wallowing and I thought they were completely stupid. I really did. But as a parent to a beautiful little girl, who’s been let down so much by mental health services, I have had no choice but to pick myself up off the ground.

If somebody told me though then that I’d be sat here under my own (rented) roof with my own pet cat snuggled up next to me, I would have thought they were crazy. I always imagined myself at this age in hospital, or dead. And I am so thankful for that downward spiral. I was SO desperate to be loved that I searched high and low for somebody to love me. And that’s how my gorgeous daughter was made.

But now I have somebody to be strong for. I have no choice but to try. I have to. Self destructive behaviour is a thing of the past. Don’t get me wrong- there are times when I want to throw myself off a cliff, scream, drink until I end up in hospital again. But I have to manage. I have to and I want to. I WANT to get better now. I want to be somebody for my little girl. And I know things are never bad forever. Things improve. Why would I want to miss out on that?

I know it’s hard when you’re so low, especially if it’s been so long. You walllow and aren’t even sure if you want to get better and you’re scared of being happy. You don’t need to be. If you’re at rock bottom, things will not be this bad forever. And if you suffer from depression, you are so much more than your mental illness. Depression wraps you in a bear hug, tight until you can’t breathe. Sometimes it may never even go away. I know it’s horrible and hard. But here are things, and words, that help me..

  • A to-do list– this can either be a list of things to do in general, if you’re finding it hard to take things one step at a time, or a list of things to improve your wellbeing. Here is my list. And if you manage things, reward yourself! After just 3 days, I’m almost doing these things naturally now.
  • You may have noticed the post it notes- mantras and blessings. I have written down a list of mantras to repeat to myself every morning and night and pinned them on my fridge where I can see them, also adding a few blessings. Reading them out loud and repeating them really does sink in, even if you don’t believe it, and soon you do believe it. Fake it till you make it.
  • Be grateful- even if you’re clutching at straws, look at what you have. Not what you don’t have. When you’re down, or even when you’re not down, it’s natural to think negatively. How can we not when so much happens in the world that’s, well, not good? But honestly, if you learn to appreciate what you have, your perspective alters and the world feels so much more beautiful and feeling thankful makes you feel so whole. Everyday I read my gratefulness list, and then read it out loud back to myself and feel it. Really feel it. It takes practice, but soon you’ll know what I mean. Here’s the first page of my list. You can tell by the blue writing I’m clutching at straws, I wasn’t feeling too good that day. But I still found things to be grateful for.
  • Remember you are NOT to blame- you may be feeling the way you are because of the way you’ve been treated. Maybe you’ve been cheated on and you don’t feel good enough, lie awake wondering what she has you don’t? I’ve been there. Maybe you’ve been bullied and wonder why you aren’t different, or you’ve been exploited, stolen from, beaten up, just generally hurt. But anybody who can treat you bad- the problem lies with them, not you. Healthy humans don’t go around destroying people. There is no reason to treat another human being bad, unless you are a really bad person. And if those people treat you in such a horrible way, they don’t deserve to be in your life. You deserve to be around people who love you for who you are, and anyone who doesn’t accept you…well it’s a blessing to lose them! 
  • ‘Life is about learning to dance in the rain‘- corny as fuck right? But actually true! If you look into the cliches a lot of them actually have meaning in them. We’ve all been through pain, some worse than others, but I’ve learnt if you chanel that pain, see what positive you can get out of it, you will come out the other side a stronger person. Again even if you are clutching at straws, it doesn’t matter and you’ll learn. This morning I was feeling terrible. I had an argument with my daughters dad and had a cold sore (I am very self conscious!) and going into the local shop I accidentally bumped into somebody and apologised and I smiled at them and they smiled back. That was my first smile of the day and I needed it (apart from that of my daughter, but sometimes I need adult contact) and honestly, I felt so much better seeing that smile and I was honestly grateful for crashing into the person!
  • Fuck things you need to do, do what you WANT to do- our daily list of things to do as adults is endless and a lot of the time it can get overwhelming even if you are feeling good. But the most important thing when you’re going through a rough time is to take time for yourself, and look after yourself. I don’t know about you but when I’m in a state I find it hard enough to eat, let alone clean my house. And then I feel bad for not doing it. But honestly? Some things are more important. Let those plates sit in the sink for a day or two. Let that carpet go unhoovered. When possible, within reason, give yourself time and know your self care is the absolute most important thing.
  • Look inside yourself– when you feel like things are getting on top of you, find a quiet private space and take deep breaths. Shut your eyes, and allow the thoughts to come. Often we hear these thoughts everyday like background noise, but taking time out to listen to these thoughts often helps to clear our minds and clarify what we truly want and feel. It’s a mindfulness technique. It feels so good to just let them happen.
  • Seek support– you may feel as though you have nobody, as though you’ve pushed everyone away. I know I do. I find it difficult to form and keep relationships with people as I often want to be alone or talk to nobody. But support is important. Keeping things bottled up will eat away at you. There is absolutely no shame in needing help. From a shoulder to cry on to somebody to just help you with your daily chores or your children or just sit with you. If anyone asks what they can do, don’t be ashamed to ask! If you feel as though you have nobody to talk to, and you need somebody urgently, there are a lot of helplines that can support you. I even use samaritans email service as I find it hard to talk on the phone! I will list those that have helped me all at the end. They are 24 hour services. I’ve also found Facebook groups and forums to be extremely supportive! 
  • But do not rely on anybody but yourself– YOU are the key to getting better. You cannot blame your friends for not supporting you enough. You cannot blame the system for failing you. You cannot blame the people who led you down this path. People let you down, but it is not up to them to make you better. Truth of the matter is anybody can let you down at anytime. I’ve learnt that the hard way. Getting better starts with you and do not put all your faith in other people to get you there. You will not get anywhere if you do that.
  • Fake it till you make it– smile, even if you feel like crying. Walk tall and confident even if you feel anxious and insecure. Use positive words, even though you may feel anything but positive. ‘I can’ not ‘I can’t’. I ‘will’ not I ‘want to’. Imagine the words you speak are written all over your t-shirt, what would people think of you? Honestly, think tall, think strong, and you’ll BE STRONG.
  • Be kind– not only does it make you feel good to make somebody else feel good, but why not spread a bit of happiness around what can be a pretty miserable place? Try and do one kind thing or something for someone else everyday. As small or big as you like. Spread the joy! Put change in a charity box, share a smile, compliment somebody. You may just make their day- you never know what somebody else is going through
  • Write it down– I don’t know about you but some of the thoughts that pop into my head are NOT shareable. At the end of each day, I make sure I write down exactly how I’m feeling and why I’m feeling that way. There’s something so therapeutic about airing my thoughts out onto paper. I often read everything back too, assess what made me feel that way and whether I still feel that way.

I know this won’t work for everybody. There are some things that positivity cannot cure for me. Some of the things we have to go through are awful. And at the end of the day, depression is an actual illness and a hormone imbalance in the brain. But the human spirit can be so strong if you allow it to be, and it is meant to be. You are more than the strife in your life and can achieve anything you put your mind to. With these tips, I hope I’ve helped you as much as I want to help myself. Even I hope I can take my own advice. 

If you’re feeling at loss, and need help, PLEASE contact the following helplines and services. If you’re in urgent need go to A&E! Remember. You are suffering from an illness.

Look after yourselves and there is always somebody who wants to listen. Including me.

Rosie x

Samaritans– ring 116 123. This is a helpline for any mental illness or honestly just needing somebody to speak to. Their email is jo@samaritans.org 

The sanctuary– this service offers emergency home visits if you need somebody. 

Nhs helpline– if you really feel unsafe and need professional help, please ring 111!