Ouch, I have lost myself again

I’m feeling low today. Really, really low. Broken.

I often go through a period of bad days where no amount of positive thinking will block out the negative thoughts and I don’t even want to try. On these days I cry and struggle to eat and sleep. Throw into the mix looking after a tantruming and sleepless toddler on your own and you have a complete mental wreck.

But when I’m going through this period, and something else has happened, it’s hard to stay together and not fall apart. Thankfully, my sisters come down from London to be with me and help out with my daughter. And I visited a friend today who herself is having a good time and we’ve agreed to support each other.

But I really don’t feel myself. I’ve had my heart smashed into a million pieces and I don’t know if I’m ever going to recover despite pretending to be okay. Not just by a man, but this past year and a half in pretty much every way possible. 

This past 5 years I’ve been pretending to be somebody I’m not. To myself, to men, to family, all to please other people or keep them in my life. I don’t even know who I am anymore, and I don’t know how to find myself again. I feel lost, and you know how in my other post I described depression as a bear hug holding you tight? That hug is becoming more and more suffocating. I feel like I can’t breathe.

It kind of feels like swimming. I am 4’10 feet tall and loved to dive in the deep end but always struggled to keep my head above water, kicking so hard and panting for breath due to my asthma. I was smaller last time I was in that deep swimming pool. I had to be carried out of the pool by a guard, but this time there’s nobody left to carry me. I have to keep swimming and swimming and fighting even though all of my energy is gone and I can’t do it anymore.

But what choice do I have? To drown? Leave my daughter behind? Not be around for things to get better. No, I have to fight. I have to keep kicking, even if it hurts and I am so so tired and just want to give in. My daughter needs her mummy, and for her I will survive. 

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