I’ve lost my shit today. Many times. My daughter has been whingey and non stop, I have had thoughts about my loss last year and a raw lost relationship. I have tried to keep myself extremely busy and one of my cats keeps pissing in the house and the smell of cat pee is lingering everywhere no matter how hard I clean.
But today, I had a really beautiful experience and moment and I wanted to share it with you all.
I’m friends with this 70+ year old wonderful woman. Basically, as I’m currently stuck being a stay at home mum, I wanted to do something to get me out of the house that I’d enjoy whilst helping others. To give me a sense of self worth and basically, so I didn’t lose my shit completely.
So together, me and this lady would walk this gorgeous guy once a week for his owner who was brain damaged and couldn’t walk him.
The poor beauty was stuck in doors 3 days a week except for the day we could walk him. Eventually he has gone to live with his foster carer the other three days. However he is in ill health so me and the lady still walk him once a week. Isn’t he beautiful?
The woman knows I suffer with depression, as does she and she understands and she knows animals are great therapy. She herself has a rescue dog who gets separation anxiety, and if she is going out she often has to wake up at 5 am to be able to take him for a walk. So some mornings I have offered to dog sit for her.
Anyway, after taking him out for a lovely walk, I sat with Busker in the ladies garden. It was small, but beautiful. Full of gorgeous yellow flowers. My daughter would have loved it- she’s obsessed with yellow.
I read a chapter of a self help book and I breathed in and out, smelt the flowers and felt the cool breeze on my skin whilst listening to the wind and the sound of school children playing nearby, breathing deeply, and I got tingles all over my body, not because of the cold and I felt my body transforming and my mind.
Then I allowed my thoughts to flow through me, I didn’t fight them. They were awful. Of grief, loss, heartbreak, hatred, self hatred, the list goes on.
And then I woke up and told myself ‘what people have done to me is no reflection on me, I forgive them and am ready to let go. I am worthy of love and I am ready to let go and move on. I am fantastic. I am a fantastic person and I love life. I am worthy of love and ready to receive abundance. I can get through this and am ready to receive happiness.’
I feel sad still but so much clearer and tingly all over my body. I feel I’m on the way to moving on, to transforming. Allowing myself to feel those thoughts and not fight them cleared all the negativity and left me room for positive thoughts to enter. Now I know what thoughts I need to fight my subconscious against.
It was an amazing thing you know? At the start of this week I didn’t think I could go on, although I knew I always would! I couldn’t eat or sleep and never thought I would find peace or smile again. But now, I am starting to. This time next year, I will look back and wonder what I was even worrying about, although I will never forget what I have lost the pain won’t be so raw.