And breathe me…

I feel like I’m drowning. I’m really fucking lonely. I know it’s crazy to say you’re lonely when there are billions of people in the world. I see people, talk to people everyday. Everyday I see people. But they’re just a sea of faces and I look at them but they see through me.
People tell me that after everything I’ve been through they don’t know how I go on. Even then they don’t know the full story. There are things I have been through I won’t tell anybody. Truth is im not going on. I’m here but I’m drifting. I don’t know who I am. I stare in the mirror to a pair of eyes staring back at Me I don’t know. Everyday, it feels as though I’m living in a film or looking through a glass screen at a strangers life.

When I hear my name, I don’t know who it is. I don’t remember who the real Rosie is. I know the person I want to be… but I don’t know how to be it anymore. 

It is the hardest thing ever starting a blank page rebuilding yourself and finding out who you really are after pretending to be someone else for so long, or was I pretending? I don’t know. All I know is I never felt good enough and tried time and time again to be someone else to make people like me. Ever since I was young. And nothing I ever did, whoever I pretended to be, was never enough.

Now I know the only person who can make me happy is me. I’ve learnt it in the cruelest way. While I know that I’m going to be okay, I can get through this, I’ve already got through so much I know that this pain, this horrible loss and memory and trauma is something that I will always have to live with. Sometimes I may forget, but there’ll be times when I remember and it will hurt so much just as it does now.

I don’t think anyone knows how much it hurts that everything you thought you knew was a lie… everything you wanted you don’t even know if you want it anymore. My dreams… everything has turned into dust over these past few years. I’m dust. I’ve been ground down and down until I’m merely a powder, severely fragile.

Pain changes you and you can either turn that pain into power or let it destroy you. What I never knew was there is such a fine line between the two and doing everything you can to not go back there is drauning and exhausting. And once you lose your balance and fall slightly back into the dark end it is SO SO hard to get back to the bright side and like starting all over again.

I feel like I can’t breathe and I just want to turn back time so I never ever had to go through any of this. I’m going to carry on because my little princess needs me. And I know I’ll be happy again someday. But this pain is now a part of me and is never going to go away and that kills me.

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From suicidal to suave in one week

***when I say suicidal, it’s just there in the back of my mind. I would never ever have acted on those feelings because my daughter needs me!***

The night before I started writing this I went on my first girly night out in a long while. I did so well. I honestly thought I would crumble or break down. But I was confident- whereas usually I would run away from these situations, I went to the bar and toilet on my own, got up and danced, talked to new people! 
I never ever knew I could be so strong. People always told me when I had situations I thought I would never get over or come out of ‘you’re strong and you can get through this’. But honestly? I was never strong. I just tolerated. 

I settled myself down to the fact that my life was crap. And the only happiness I’d find would be a boyfriend. Any bad stuff that happened to me or bad episodes for depression… tormented by my past…I didn’t get myself out of them. I just carried on in the pain, hating myself, wanting to die, until I found some happiness.

So whenever I found happiness, I kept hold of it for as long as I possibly could. Even if in the long run it was making me unhappy those moments of happiness were worth it. Which is why i was absolutely devastated when my relationship ended.

I spent about two days pretty much in bed or lay on the sofa, not eating or sleeping really. I thought my life had ended. I had these awful thoughts buzzing around my head but I made myself fight them. I found myself thinking ‘if I can fight thoughts of suicide, why not thoughts of depression?’

And suddenly, I felt like I’d grown. Like I was awake. It was like a switch turned on in my mind. And last night, I thought my life has been leading up to this moment. Everything I’ve been through has been leading me to here.

Instead of negative thoughts entering my mind constantly, tearing away at me, I can now dismiss them. And instead positive thoughts have started to enter my mind and I turn the dial up to make those thoughts LOUDER.

I’ve also been noticing all the beauty in the world and been grateful. Because my life is nowhere as near as bad as I thought it was. I may have had a bad past, have things I’ve been through, but that’s done now. Those things are gone, and I can TAKE that pain and use it for the good.

I’ve put all the negative energy and used it to move forward by helping other people and helping myself. I honestly never knew I could be strong like this and I’m amazed and now I’m actually EXCITED for my future. Really really excited.

Don’t get me wrong there are still moments where I feel pain, where I want to break down and cry. But I distract myself and I don’t stay in that bad place. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I know things are going to be alright, and I know I am a worthy person and I can do this. And I’m pretty sure you can too. And you will. ❤