***when I say suicidal, it’s just there in the back of my mind. I would never ever have acted on those feelings because my daughter needs me!***
The night before I started writing this I went on my first girly night out in a long while. I did so well. I honestly thought I would crumble or break down. But I was confident- whereas usually I would run away from these situations, I went to the bar and toilet on my own, got up and danced, talked to new people!
I never ever knew I could be so strong. People always told me when I had situations I thought I would never get over or come out of ‘you’re strong and you can get through this’. But honestly? I was never strong. I just tolerated.
I settled myself down to the fact that my life was crap. And the only happiness I’d find would be a boyfriend. Any bad stuff that happened to me or bad episodes for depression… tormented by my past…I didn’t get myself out of them. I just carried on in the pain, hating myself, wanting to die, until I found some happiness.
So whenever I found happiness, I kept hold of it for as long as I possibly could. Even if in the long run it was making me unhappy those moments of happiness were worth it. Which is why i was absolutely devastated when my relationship ended.
I spent about two days pretty much in bed or lay on the sofa, not eating or sleeping really. I thought my life had ended. I had these awful thoughts buzzing around my head but I made myself fight them. I found myself thinking ‘if I can fight thoughts of suicide, why not thoughts of depression?’
And suddenly, I felt like I’d grown. Like I was awake. It was like a switch turned on in my mind. And last night, I thought my life has been leading up to this moment. Everything I’ve been through has been leading me to here.
Instead of negative thoughts entering my mind constantly, tearing away at me, I can now dismiss them. And instead positive thoughts have started to enter my mind and I turn the dial up to make those thoughts LOUDER.
I’ve also been noticing all the beauty in the world and been grateful. Because my life is nowhere as near as bad as I thought it was. I may have had a bad past, have things I’ve been through, but that’s done now. Those things are gone, and I can TAKE that pain and use it for the good.
I’ve put all the negative energy and used it to move forward by helping other people and helping myself. I honestly never knew I could be strong like this and I’m amazed and now I’m actually EXCITED for my future. Really really excited.
Don’t get me wrong there are still moments where I feel pain, where I want to break down and cry. But I distract myself and I don’t stay in that bad place. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I know things are going to be alright, and I know I am a worthy person and I can do this. And I’m pretty sure you can too. And you will. ❤