And breathe me…

I feel like I’m drowning. I’m really fucking lonely. I know it’s crazy to say you’re lonely when there are billions of people in the world. I see people, talk to people everyday. Everyday I see people. But they’re just a sea of faces and I look at them but they see through me.
People tell me that after everything I’ve been through they don’t know how I go on. Even then they don’t know the full story. There are things I have been through I won’t tell anybody. Truth is im not going on. I’m here but I’m drifting. I don’t know who I am. I stare in the mirror to a pair of eyes staring back at Me I don’t know. Everyday, it feels as though I’m living in a film or looking through a glass screen at a strangers life.

When I hear my name, I don’t know who it is. I don’t remember who the real Rosie is. I know the person I want to be… but I don’t know how to be it anymore. 

It is the hardest thing ever starting a blank page rebuilding yourself and finding out who you really are after pretending to be someone else for so long, or was I pretending? I don’t know. All I know is I never felt good enough and tried time and time again to be someone else to make people like me. Ever since I was young. And nothing I ever did, whoever I pretended to be, was never enough.

Now I know the only person who can make me happy is me. I’ve learnt it in the cruelest way. While I know that I’m going to be okay, I can get through this, I’ve already got through so much I know that this pain, this horrible loss and memory and trauma is something that I will always have to live with. Sometimes I may forget, but there’ll be times when I remember and it will hurt so much just as it does now.

I don’t think anyone knows how much it hurts that everything you thought you knew was a lie… everything you wanted you don’t even know if you want it anymore. My dreams… everything has turned into dust over these past few years. I’m dust. I’ve been ground down and down until I’m merely a powder, severely fragile.

Pain changes you and you can either turn that pain into power or let it destroy you. What I never knew was there is such a fine line between the two and doing everything you can to not go back there is drauning and exhausting. And once you lose your balance and fall slightly back into the dark end it is SO SO hard to get back to the bright side and like starting all over again.

I feel like I can’t breathe and I just want to turn back time so I never ever had to go through any of this. I’m going to carry on because my little princess needs me. And I know I’ll be happy again someday. But this pain is now a part of me and is never going to go away and that kills me.

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