What do you think of when somebody mentions the word lonely?

Do you think of an old woman sat in a retirement home by the window, waiting for a visitor who never shows up?

Or perhaps a guy in his 40s living with his mother who lies in bed everynight wishing he could ever have a girlfriend by his side?

It was the other morning I realised the true meaning of being lonely. I had known I was lonely for a while, but I never realised what that truly meant. I was doing my hair, took a deep breath and started to apply my make-up. Uusually, when doing my makeup, I looked at the area in the mirror, not my whole face. It hurt me to look usually at my face for longer than a minute or two. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror; I never have. But suddenly I felt my chest fall heavy and tears in my eyes, and I made myself look.

What I saw shocked me to the core, because I didn’t see staring back what I told myself I was. I was a strong, confident and happy young lady with two businesses, the best friends, an amazing thriving daughter and a positive future. But what I saw was something lost. I saw a little girl who’s eyes were blank and bagged, with a slumped posture and a lost and helpless look. I realised then how lonely I really was.

Lonely isn’t just needing somebody, it’s needing yourself. You’re lonely in your own body because you don’t even know who you are anymore. You spend so long trying to find yourself, trying to make things okay, trying to please other people, that you forget who you really are.

Lonely is being sat in the same room as the love of your life and seeing him be distant and panicking that you’ll be left alone. Lonely is waking up in the middle of the night to your 4 year old crying over yet another nightmare and wishing there was some way, any other way, to deal with it better than crying yourself. Lonely is needing someone there to help, someone to help take the overwhelming weight off the mundane task of learning to love yourself.

Because that’s why we need someone else. We don’t need someone else because it makes us happy. We need someone else to make us feel loved, to make us feel wanted, to tell us we’re amazing and pretty and perfect. We need someone else so we have somebody to tell all of our feelings to, someone who will reassure us. The thing is; we don’t need this person. We can do this for ourselves. But when you’ve had such a hard relationship with yourself for all of your life, it’s hard…really hard. And trying to love yourself everyday is tiring and like fighting an endless battle. Because yourself does not like you. Yourself is all you’ve got. And so you feel…alone.



I don’t think anybody realises how terrifying and difficult a place depression is, until you’re standing in those shoes yourself.

You can be the queen of the world, stood at the very top yourself with your diamond encrusted crown on top of your head and money bags by your feet, with every single person in the universe bowing down at your feet. I mean, you can have everything. And depression will still find a way to get to you, to sneak in. It will find the tiniest crack to slither through and crawl over your skin, into your pores, until soon it’s consuming you.

Suddenly, this week, without warning and without proper reason, I have been back there again. I have been that 17 year old girl who jumped into a canal impromptly to try and stop that consumation. I have been that 17 year old who walked into an icy cold river in her pyjamas to try and shock her body into feeling something other than pain. Or that 15 year old girl who started to self harm because she wanted to feel pain in her body rather than her heart.

Only, now I have something to live for. I am 23, paying my own bills and rent, bringing up the most beautiful little girl and running two businesses. I am doing this all on my own, despite the depression, despite sleep deprivation (co sleeping is BULLSHIT!) and escaping what was somewhat a controlling relationship, I have done it. I am doing it. I am amazing and fantastic.

For the past few weeks I have felt fantastic. I have established a career from home and earnt a vast income. I have come off benefits and done it all by myself. And yet, a few days ago, I woke up with that feeling of dread and I could just not shake it. I felt that dread over again. I did what I could to take myself away from it, I still am. But I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t sleep to escape it because my mind will not let me rest. I can’t relax because I have a child needing me, and I have constant chatter in my brain, and I have all these jobs to do. I am strung so tightly by responsibilities and things i need and WANT to do and yet my brain is telling me I can’t. I can’t motivate myself to do anything. And my to do list piles up. My anxiety piles up. And it’s just…

I don’t know. I am sick of this illness. This depression. I am terrified that after 10 years already this is my life forever. I am terrified of not being the mum my little girl needs. I am scared.

New trials and tribulations..

When something goes wrong in your life, you get two options; either you break the fuck down completely, or you fight.

For the first time in my life and for the past few weeks, I have chosen to fight when usually I would break down. It is the hardest, most liberating thing I have ever done in my life (other than give birth to my beautiful daughter). However, not every day can you be strong. Some days you are so exhausted you can’t get back up. Some days, you want to throw the towel in and scream ‘WHY.’

Today for me is one of those days. I went to the doctor this morning. After trying so hard to do things on my own, I finally acknowledged I need help. If there’s anything I’ve learnt from positivity and mindfulness, it’s who I really am. And even I know it is not normal to one day feel high as a kite, and the next to be bursting into tears at the drop of a hat.

I was told this morning that I possibly have bipolar disorder, and I’ve been put on a different course of medication that should balance out my moods. I wanted to scream obscenities and throw the tablets at the doctors face, saying I don’t need them.

But do you know what I’ve realised? I’ve come far. So, so far. I have been to hell and back and now, I still manage, and am starting to notice, the beauty in the world. I feel as though I am a flower, opening up, catching raindrops and am absorbing them, using them to grow.

A new journey means more lessons learnt. More appreciation out of life.

Why am I writing this? Because it’s important. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of. People don’t get me. I rant when I’m in one of my moods; I brood and cry. Or when I’m huper, sometimes I’m even more annoying. But I’m one step closer to finding out who I am. Depression, bipolar, whatever- it’s not me. I am a person with a beautiful mind who just wants to be adored and this blog is going to help show who I really am.



The Power of Gratitude

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog but I feel like the time has come to let it all out. It’s been too long since I’ve literally sat and thought about my feelings and written them all out.

2016 was supposed to be my year. Now, I’m finally realising it is. But not in the way I was expecting it to be. I expected it to be plain sailing, be happy. Learn to do Makeup and pass my driving test just like that.

Fact is, this has been the hardest year of my life and it has been anything but plain sailing. I have been dealing with loss, betrayal, heartbreak and much more in between. But I have honestly learnt so much. If I could change the way this year has gone, I wouldnt. I’m not sad anymore, I’m empowered.

There was a point fairly recently where I felt I couldn’t go on. Now I’ve been there many times before, but this time was severe. And it’s awful, because there’s nothing you can do about it. Especially when there is a life depending on you to be okay and to look after, and you have to fake a smile everyday of your life. It’s a place I can’t describe and I never want to go back to. Not even the supposed ‘mental health support’ would help me out.

But sometimes, things happen for a reason and after being in hospital with my physical health and alone with my awful thoughts for five days (That was not fun. There was begging for sleeping tablets and panic attacks, severe.) i began to realise what I truly had, and what was important. I nearly fucking DIED. I’m not kidding. I escaped intensive care through the skin of my teeth, because I didn’t want to be away from my daughter and so I thought. Doctors from the ICU visited me everyday. Making sure I was strong enough to stay out of it!

After coming out, I was like a different person. My life had literally changed in a week. I had cut out bad people, and surrounded myself by those who would only lift me up. I had been reunited with the daughter who, until I went in, i co slept and breastfed.

In hospital, I wasn’t thinking about what I didn’t have. I was missing what I did have, and I was feeling grateful and yearning for my child. Due to this, my spirits were raised. My thoughts were only positive, and it was this that got me through. I have continued in that mindset ever since.

Whilst life has not yet given me a break, I am confident it will and I have never felt happier. I am blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people, and I appreciate them so much more and am closer to them. I am now closer to a career also, although I wont push myself too far. My health is more important.

I don’t look in the mirror anymore and hate myself, infact most of the time I smile. And if my daughter won’t go to sleep, I do not cry in frustration instead I watch her and enjoy her.

And I’ve finally realised that when people hurt me, I am not to blame. Peoples actions are no reflection on me and that’s a whole new wake up call. I would never be this positive about myself before but I am a lovely person. I am kind, pretty hilarious, and always give all my heart. If people want to tear somebody so giving down, then there is something seriously wrong with them and not me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still having bad days such as today. My mood has been up and down like a whores kecks today. I have felt lonely, needy and tired and weepy. I’ve had a gray cloud over my head. But unlike before, I know that everything is temporary and this pain will pass. Hopefully meditation tonight will help, although I keep falling asleep doing it!

I have a long road ahead of me, but I never thought I’d get here where I am today by myself. I am feeling more me than in a while. I have started singing again, writing again. I have finally realised that I am a great person and I can make myself happy, by myself, for myself and my little girl. I have the power to change my life, and see all the beauty in the world. Good things will come, but they take time. They don’t happen straight away, but they’re worth waiting for. I can do this.



How to exfoliate sensitive skin!

Do you suffer from dry skin, dermatitis or ezcema?

So do I. And I think we can all agree it’s bloody awful! Especially as a girl and especially in summer. If like me you’re ghostly pale it’s especially a kick up the arse because of fake tan! 

I managed by using sun beds for a while but as a single mum the price kind of built up- not to mention they are really bad for you and sometimes the sweat doesn’t help the itching!

So I resorted back to using this great stuff 

Unlike many fake tans, this one moisturises the skin, smells gorgeous and you can build the tan up gradually overtime. However I was reluctant to exfoliate before I did it because I always come up in a rash and really eachy, so I ended up with white patches where my dry skin is. 

So I did my research and made my own ezcema friendly exfoliator and I am so happy with the results that I thought I’d share it. It’s so easy to make too! 

I used-

  • Half a green tea leaf teabag- read somewhere that it helps get off dead skin
  • Coconut oil- to soothe the skin while scrubbing of course and coconut oil alone is great for dry skin
  • Brown sugar- less harsh than a salt scrub and less harsh than normal sugar. 

All I did was simply melt a scoop of coconut oil in the microwave and added two scoops of brown sugar (so depending on how much you’re making, and what your skins like, use twice as much sugar as oil), poured in the green tea leaf and stirred. Then I put it in a container and in the fridge to set for two minutes.

To use, pour yourself a nice glass of wine and a bubblebath (this is a must) and lightly scrub the exfoliator on your wet skin in circles. Use your favourite sensitive skin body wash, moisturise and viola! You’ve got yourself skin as smooth as a babies butt without itchiness and rashes.

If you have lots of red itchy skin I wouldn’t recommend using it though… Or use a lot more oil than sugar.

Let me know how you get on!

My Kit- Begginers and Advanced

Hello my lovelies! 

My mum bought me a gorgeous make up case off my daughter for Mother’s Day so I thought it would be a good time to show off what items are good for beginners, advanced Makeup users and then what either can use! 

Obviously I can’t name every single product, so it’s mostly just a list of brands with the odd product in there. So, here we go!

Compartment one- Foundations & Concealers 


These can be used by either an advanced makeup user or a beginner pretty much. They include:

  • L’oreal True Match foundation- bought because the infallible didn’t have a very pale shade. Not tried out yet.
  • L’oreal Infallible 24h Foundation- ️amazing coverage, 4 different shades (bless boots for their 4 for £24 offer!)
  • Mac studio fix concealer- I would recommend this for an advanced user only as it’s quite stiff so not easy if you’re trying to figure out your contouring.
  • Maybelline eraser eye concealer- fantastic coverage and easy to use!
  • Rimmel Stay Matte Primer- neutral. To prep the face and help Makeup last longer. 

Also my revolution fixing spray which is fab and can be used by anyone!

Compartment Two- General eye stuff and face stuff

This is kind of my make up messy draw, seeing as all my eyeshadows are usually in palettes. It includes-

  • Disposable mascara wands- Advanced. I use these to brush over my brows before product, and brush out any clumps of mascara. Also to use on clients for hygeine reasons.
  • Nyx liquid illuminated- Advanced. Used to highlight just above the cheekbone and down the bridge of the nose and eye corners.
  • Tinted moisturisers, No7 and Collection- Neutral. Equivalent of BB Cream. For anybody who doesn’t want a heavy coverage or to give skin an added colour (if foundation is too pale etc)
  • Rimmel face powder, translucent- Advanced. Used to brush over Makeup to fix it.
  • Mascaras, Bourjois- Neutral. We all know what Mascaras are for! I love Bourjois mascaras, although my fave is the 10 Seconde.
  • Tweezers- neutral. Unless you don’t know how to use them.
  • Rimmel liquid eyeliner pen- Begginer. So simple to use and great when you’re learning. Does wear off quickly.
  • Nyx liquid liner brush- Advanced. So difficult to use but easy once you’ve learnt. Looks fantastic and long lasting.

Compartment Three- brushes 

I would recommend most of these brushes be used for advanced makeup users. However, while you’re learning you should have basic brushes such as a foundation brush, concealer brush, blush brush, powder brush, eyebrow brush and shadow brushes

Most of mine so far are Real Techniques. There are one or two models own in there which aren’t very effective unless you want very light coverage, and unbranded brushes from ebay which are still fantastic.

Compartment four- Lippies and Glosses


My favourite compartment. I can’t list each product again so I will name brands. These can all be used by anybody, although the matte cream items I recommend for advanced users as lipstick isn’t always easy.

Younique, MAC, Nyx, Rimmel, No7, NuSkin, Soap and Glory, Seventeen, Nyx

Compartment Five- Pencils, Palettes and Necessities



  • No7 eyeshadow palette- Neutral. A Christmas present from my mum. I love this palette cause there’s a wide variety of colours and most are shimmery however they aren’t very pigmented so I like to wet them.
  • Morphe eyeshadow palette- Advanced. Obviously an eyeshadow palette can be used by anyone but to get the most use after this one you need to know how to blend and match the colours. 
  • MUA eyeshadow palette- Beginner. Cheap and easy to use. Not the best pigmentation but not the worst either.
  • Revolution brow palette- Advanced. Only because there are lots of different colours and a concealer and powder in this one. Great for someone who knows their ️Makeup and especially a MUA as there are four different shades.
  • MUA brow palette- Beginner. Easy to use so great for a beginner. Not very high pigmentation though and brush is a bit wirey. 
  • Sleek Midas touch highlighting palette- advanced. Absolutely fantastic! Nuff said.
  • Revolution contour palette- Begginer. Cream contouring with 8 shades, fab for getting to grips with contouring and glides on easy. Easily blendable too.
  • Nyx correct and conceal powder contour palette- Advanced. 8 amazing shades including the best highlighter I have ever used! Check out my how to contour post with more info 🙂 
  • Seventeen contour brick- Advanced. Can’t remember the exact name but it’s fantastic and a dupe for Bobbi Browns shimmer brick. I usually dust this over the apple of my cheeks towards my contour.

Skin prep

Its really important to have skin in the best condition as possible before putting Makeup on. I would recommend this for advanced makeup users though. I have some Simple cleanser, toner and moisturiser and some cotton pads for application.


Because I didn’t have another compartment for these, I packed them in the bottom in a plastic case. They can be used by anyone. They include-

  • True lips- really good. Highly pigmented and long lasting. Got 12 off ebay for £3!
  • Mac- long lasting and highly pigmented, just expensive.
  • Younique- again great, just expensive 
  • Bourjois- affordable and highly pigmented
  • Rimmel- good pigmentation, very affordable, just not long lasting

So there you have it! My Makeup kit 🙂 if you have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask me! If you like the post please give it a star ❤️

9 Things Nobody Tells you about Motherhood 

  So it’s been another rough night with my little one. Shes two years old and like a midget evil dictator with a speech impediment. I found myself thinking; Who knew parenthood would be like this? If I knew would I still have her? Of course I would but I wish I had been prepared.The parenting books and forums rarely focus on the negatives of parenthood. Here is my list of things I wish I knew.

1. Disgusting things will happen to your body 

When I got pregnant, I was 19 years old and I was expecting a few stretchmarks. That was bad enough. What I didn’t expect was the saggy stomach and other stuff which I won’t go into detail about. Let’s just say my body kind of resembles an OAP’s.

2. You will become a part time alcoholic

There are times when, after an hour of fighting my daughter down, I will indulge in a big glass of wine… Or two… Or three…

3. You won’t repel men, you’ll attract them

After I split with my daughters dad I was scared of finding love again but I’ve attracted more men then I used to in a weird way. But not all of them are great.. ‘Hey milf’ could you fucking not?

4. A baby is not a band aid

I dreamed of being a mum since I was young confident that a baby would make everything better in my life especially my depression and finally make me feel loved. Yes I feel loved but I also feel frustrated and exhausted and extremely depressed 50% of the time. Parenthood is not all giggling babies and butterflies especially doing it alone.

5. Pelvic floor excersizes are very important.

Unless you want to piss everywhere when you sneeze cough or laugh. Nuff said.

6. What is privacy?

For about five years you will not be able to pee in peace, eat in peace, get changed in peace etc etc. Infact you can say goodbye to having a meal to yourself without having little hands all over it!

7. No daytime TV

You can forget watching what you want on TV until your child is fast asleep. If I even think about turning off cbeebies I get screamed it. I know all the words to the theme tunes backwards. And yes, it will drive you insane.

8. No sleep for two years

The bad sleeping is only temporary? It will get better? HAHAHAHAHAHhhHQ

9. Housework? Forget it

Your house will no longer be sparkling clean and your living room will look like a toy shop. Yeah you think you can do it when the kids at nursery or asleep but in reality you will be napping or watching all the soap reruns and Jeremy Kyle you can tolerate. While eating all the snacks you can NEVER have to yourself. 

In conclusion parenting is bloody hard. I cry a lot, I look like a zombie and I snap at everybody. But in a weird way I have never been happier. I created this beautiful, intelligent and evil little human who loves me so much and depends on me. And I love her. Especially when she’s asleep.

If anyone told me how hard it is nothing would prepare me. The past two years have been a whirlwind of shitty nappies and sleepless nights… But those moments she smiles and giggles and learns a new word… And when somebody tells you how beautiful and well turned out your kid is make it all worth it.

Being a parent is the toughest thing that I’ve ever been through but she is the best thing that ever happened to me. She keeps me strong and makes me never want to give up and I am so thankful to her for that.