Hate feelings 

I don’t really know what to do or how to feel. 
I’m not eating or sleeping very well, just enough to keep me alive. I feel so tired and messed up. The worst part is trying to keep a brave face for my child. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done, but I’ll do it for her.
I have lost the one person who made me happy, made me feel loved and wanted. And it wasn’t perfect. But to me, he was. I have all these memories buzzing around in my head and the pain is too much to bear. I’m absolutely devastated to be cut off. I thought we were something. I thought he needed me like I need him. 
And yesterday, Mother’s Day, was one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long while. I spent it inside, alone with my daughter. I should have had two children with me, and I had one. 


Ouch, I have lost myself again

I’m feeling low today. Really, really low. Broken.

I often go through a period of bad days where no amount of positive thinking will block out the negative thoughts and I don’t even want to try. On these days I cry and struggle to eat and sleep. Throw into the mix looking after a tantruming and sleepless toddler on your own and you have a complete mental wreck.

But when I’m going through this period, and something else has happened, it’s hard to stay together and not fall apart. Thankfully, my sisters come down from London to be with me and help out with my daughter. And I visited a friend today who herself is having a good time and we’ve agreed to support each other.

But I really don’t feel myself. I’ve had my heart smashed into a million pieces and I don’t know if I’m ever going to recover despite pretending to be okay. Not just by a man, but this past year and a half in pretty much every way possible. 

This past 5 years I’ve been pretending to be somebody I’m not. To myself, to men, to family, all to please other people or keep them in my life. I don’t even know who I am anymore, and I don’t know how to find myself again. I feel lost, and you know how in my other post I described depression as a bear hug holding you tight? That hug is becoming more and more suffocating. I feel like I can’t breathe.

It kind of feels like swimming. I am 4’10 feet tall and loved to dive in the deep end but always struggled to keep my head above water, kicking so hard and panting for breath due to my asthma. I was smaller last time I was in that deep swimming pool. I had to be carried out of the pool by a guard, but this time there’s nobody left to carry me. I have to keep swimming and swimming and fighting even though all of my energy is gone and I can’t do it anymore.

But what choice do I have? To drown? Leave my daughter behind? Not be around for things to get better. No, I have to fight. I have to keep kicking, even if it hurts and I am so so tired and just want to give in. My daughter needs her mummy, and for her I will survive. 

Coping mechanisms for the bad times 

I’ve been wanting to make this post for a while now, and I’ve decided now is the time. I’m relatively relaxed. Candles are lit, my daughter is fast asleep after spending the day with her father, and I have a glass of wine in my hand to enjoy it rather than take the edge away whilst I watch orange is the new black.

But it’s hard to know what to say. There is honestly so much to say. I wanted to make a post on depression, and offer hope to those who really feel like there is no way out. I’ve felt that way, oh god haven’t I. I’ve been there so many times. But I have learnt some coping mechanisms that I want to share.

These past few weeks of my life.. no, months, even years I guess, have been testing. They’d be testing for somebody who hasn’t suffered from depression and anxiety from the age of.. what 12, 13? 

This past year I’ve been in hospital after nearly losing my life. No, seriously. Ive said goodbye to a pregnancy, I’ve cut off a parent, cut off a ‘best friend’, suffered betrayal, problems with money… the list goes ON and ON.

But you know what I’ve realised? Problems often come like snowballs. You know why? Because I give up on myself. I don’t fight. People usually told me whilst I was suffering severely to change my perspective, look on the bright side, stop wallowing and I thought they were completely stupid. I really did. But as a parent to a beautiful little girl, who’s been let down so much by mental health services, I have had no choice but to pick myself up off the ground.

If somebody told me though then that I’d be sat here under my own (rented) roof with my own pet cat snuggled up next to me, I would have thought they were crazy. I always imagined myself at this age in hospital, or dead. And I am so thankful for that downward spiral. I was SO desperate to be loved that I searched high and low for somebody to love me. And that’s how my gorgeous daughter was made.

But now I have somebody to be strong for. I have no choice but to try. I have to. Self destructive behaviour is a thing of the past. Don’t get me wrong- there are times when I want to throw myself off a cliff, scream, drink until I end up in hospital again. But I have to manage. I have to and I want to. I WANT to get better now. I want to be somebody for my little girl. And I know things are never bad forever. Things improve. Why would I want to miss out on that?

I know it’s hard when you’re so low, especially if it’s been so long. You walllow and aren’t even sure if you want to get better and you’re scared of being happy. You don’t need to be. If you’re at rock bottom, things will not be this bad forever. And if you suffer from depression, you are so much more than your mental illness. Depression wraps you in a bear hug, tight until you can’t breathe. Sometimes it may never even go away. I know it’s horrible and hard. But here are things, and words, that help me..

  • A to-do list– this can either be a list of things to do in general, if you’re finding it hard to take things one step at a time, or a list of things to improve your wellbeing. Here is my list. And if you manage things, reward yourself! After just 3 days, I’m almost doing these things naturally now.
  • You may have noticed the post it notes- mantras and blessings. I have written down a list of mantras to repeat to myself every morning and night and pinned them on my fridge where I can see them, also adding a few blessings. Reading them out loud and repeating them really does sink in, even if you don’t believe it, and soon you do believe it. Fake it till you make it.
  • Be grateful- even if you’re clutching at straws, look at what you have. Not what you don’t have. When you’re down, or even when you’re not down, it’s natural to think negatively. How can we not when so much happens in the world that’s, well, not good? But honestly, if you learn to appreciate what you have, your perspective alters and the world feels so much more beautiful and feeling thankful makes you feel so whole. Everyday I read my gratefulness list, and then read it out loud back to myself and feel it. Really feel it. It takes practice, but soon you’ll know what I mean. Here’s the first page of my list. You can tell by the blue writing I’m clutching at straws, I wasn’t feeling too good that day. But I still found things to be grateful for.
  • Remember you are NOT to blame- you may be feeling the way you are because of the way you’ve been treated. Maybe you’ve been cheated on and you don’t feel good enough, lie awake wondering what she has you don’t? I’ve been there. Maybe you’ve been bullied and wonder why you aren’t different, or you’ve been exploited, stolen from, beaten up, just generally hurt. But anybody who can treat you bad- the problem lies with them, not you. Healthy humans don’t go around destroying people. There is no reason to treat another human being bad, unless you are a really bad person. And if those people treat you in such a horrible way, they don’t deserve to be in your life. You deserve to be around people who love you for who you are, and anyone who doesn’t accept you…well it’s a blessing to lose them! 
  • ‘Life is about learning to dance in the rain‘- corny as fuck right? But actually true! If you look into the cliches a lot of them actually have meaning in them. We’ve all been through pain, some worse than others, but I’ve learnt if you chanel that pain, see what positive you can get out of it, you will come out the other side a stronger person. Again even if you are clutching at straws, it doesn’t matter and you’ll learn. This morning I was feeling terrible. I had an argument with my daughters dad and had a cold sore (I am very self conscious!) and going into the local shop I accidentally bumped into somebody and apologised and I smiled at them and they smiled back. That was my first smile of the day and I needed it (apart from that of my daughter, but sometimes I need adult contact) and honestly, I felt so much better seeing that smile and I was honestly grateful for crashing into the person!
  • Fuck things you need to do, do what you WANT to do- our daily list of things to do as adults is endless and a lot of the time it can get overwhelming even if you are feeling good. But the most important thing when you’re going through a rough time is to take time for yourself, and look after yourself. I don’t know about you but when I’m in a state I find it hard enough to eat, let alone clean my house. And then I feel bad for not doing it. But honestly? Some things are more important. Let those plates sit in the sink for a day or two. Let that carpet go unhoovered. When possible, within reason, give yourself time and know your self care is the absolute most important thing.
  • Look inside yourself– when you feel like things are getting on top of you, find a quiet private space and take deep breaths. Shut your eyes, and allow the thoughts to come. Often we hear these thoughts everyday like background noise, but taking time out to listen to these thoughts often helps to clear our minds and clarify what we truly want and feel. It’s a mindfulness technique. It feels so good to just let them happen.
  • Seek support– you may feel as though you have nobody, as though you’ve pushed everyone away. I know I do. I find it difficult to form and keep relationships with people as I often want to be alone or talk to nobody. But support is important. Keeping things bottled up will eat away at you. There is absolutely no shame in needing help. From a shoulder to cry on to somebody to just help you with your daily chores or your children or just sit with you. If anyone asks what they can do, don’t be ashamed to ask! If you feel as though you have nobody to talk to, and you need somebody urgently, there are a lot of helplines that can support you. I even use samaritans email service as I find it hard to talk on the phone! I will list those that have helped me all at the end. They are 24 hour services. I’ve also found Facebook groups and forums to be extremely supportive! 
  • But do not rely on anybody but yourself– YOU are the key to getting better. You cannot blame your friends for not supporting you enough. You cannot blame the system for failing you. You cannot blame the people who led you down this path. People let you down, but it is not up to them to make you better. Truth of the matter is anybody can let you down at anytime. I’ve learnt that the hard way. Getting better starts with you and do not put all your faith in other people to get you there. You will not get anywhere if you do that.
  • Fake it till you make it– smile, even if you feel like crying. Walk tall and confident even if you feel anxious and insecure. Use positive words, even though you may feel anything but positive. ‘I can’ not ‘I can’t’. I ‘will’ not I ‘want to’. Imagine the words you speak are written all over your t-shirt, what would people think of you? Honestly, think tall, think strong, and you’ll BE STRONG.
  • Be kind– not only does it make you feel good to make somebody else feel good, but why not spread a bit of happiness around what can be a pretty miserable place? Try and do one kind thing or something for someone else everyday. As small or big as you like. Spread the joy! Put change in a charity box, share a smile, compliment somebody. You may just make their day- you never know what somebody else is going through
  • Write it down– I don’t know about you but some of the thoughts that pop into my head are NOT shareable. At the end of each day, I make sure I write down exactly how I’m feeling and why I’m feeling that way. There’s something so therapeutic about airing my thoughts out onto paper. I often read everything back too, assess what made me feel that way and whether I still feel that way.

I know this won’t work for everybody. There are some things that positivity cannot cure for me. Some of the things we have to go through are awful. And at the end of the day, depression is an actual illness and a hormone imbalance in the brain. But the human spirit can be so strong if you allow it to be, and it is meant to be. You are more than the strife in your life and can achieve anything you put your mind to. With these tips, I hope I’ve helped you as much as I want to help myself. Even I hope I can take my own advice. 

If you’re feeling at loss, and need help, PLEASE contact the following helplines and services. If you’re in urgent need go to A&E! Remember. You are suffering from an illness.

Look after yourselves and there is always somebody who wants to listen. Including me.

Rosie x

Samaritans– ring 116 123. This is a helpline for any mental illness or honestly just needing somebody to speak to. Their email is jo@samaritans.org 

The sanctuary– this service offers emergency home visits if you need somebody. 

Nhs helpline– if you really feel unsafe and need professional help, please ring 111! 

New trials and tribulations..

When something goes wrong in your life, you get two options; either you break the fuck down completely, or you fight.

For the first time in my life and for the past few weeks, I have chosen to fight when usually I would break down. It is the hardest, most liberating thing I have ever done in my life (other than give birth to my beautiful daughter). However, not every day can you be strong. Some days you are so exhausted you can’t get back up. Some days, you want to throw the towel in and scream ‘WHY.’

Today for me is one of those days. I went to the doctor this morning. After trying so hard to do things on my own, I finally acknowledged I need help. If there’s anything I’ve learnt from positivity and mindfulness, it’s who I really am. And even I know it is not normal to one day feel high as a kite, and the next to be bursting into tears at the drop of a hat.

I was told this morning that I possibly have bipolar disorder, and I’ve been put on a different course of medication that should balance out my moods. I wanted to scream obscenities and throw the tablets at the doctors face, saying I don’t need them.

But do you know what I’ve realised? I’ve come far. So, so far. I have been to hell and back and now, I still manage, and am starting to notice, the beauty in the world. I feel as though I am a flower, opening up, catching raindrops and am absorbing them, using them to grow.

A new journey means more lessons learnt. More appreciation out of life.

Why am I writing this? Because it’s important. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of. People don’t get me. I rant when I’m in one of my moods; I brood and cry. Or when I’m huper, sometimes I’m even more annoying. But I’m one step closer to finding out who I am. Depression, bipolar, whatever- it’s not me. I am a person with a beautiful mind who just wants to be adored and this blog is going to help show who I really am.



The Power of Gratitude

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog but I feel like the time has come to let it all out. It’s been too long since I’ve literally sat and thought about my feelings and written them all out.

2016 was supposed to be my year. Now, I’m finally realising it is. But not in the way I was expecting it to be. I expected it to be plain sailing, be happy. Learn to do Makeup and pass my driving test just like that.

Fact is, this has been the hardest year of my life and it has been anything but plain sailing. I have been dealing with loss, betrayal, heartbreak and much more in between. But I have honestly learnt so much. If I could change the way this year has gone, I wouldnt. I’m not sad anymore, I’m empowered.

There was a point fairly recently where I felt I couldn’t go on. Now I’ve been there many times before, but this time was severe. And it’s awful, because there’s nothing you can do about it. Especially when there is a life depending on you to be okay and to look after, and you have to fake a smile everyday of your life. It’s a place I can’t describe and I never want to go back to. Not even the supposed ‘mental health support’ would help me out.

But sometimes, things happen for a reason and after being in hospital with my physical health and alone with my awful thoughts for five days (That was not fun. There was begging for sleeping tablets and panic attacks, severe.) i began to realise what I truly had, and what was important. I nearly fucking DIED. I’m not kidding. I escaped intensive care through the skin of my teeth, because I didn’t want to be away from my daughter and so I thought. Doctors from the ICU visited me everyday. Making sure I was strong enough to stay out of it!

After coming out, I was like a different person. My life had literally changed in a week. I had cut out bad people, and surrounded myself by those who would only lift me up. I had been reunited with the daughter who, until I went in, i co slept and breastfed.

In hospital, I wasn’t thinking about what I didn’t have. I was missing what I did have, and I was feeling grateful and yearning for my child. Due to this, my spirits were raised. My thoughts were only positive, and it was this that got me through. I have continued in that mindset ever since.

Whilst life has not yet given me a break, I am confident it will and I have never felt happier. I am blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people, and I appreciate them so much more and am closer to them. I am now closer to a career also, although I wont push myself too far. My health is more important.

I don’t look in the mirror anymore and hate myself, infact most of the time I smile. And if my daughter won’t go to sleep, I do not cry in frustration instead I watch her and enjoy her.

And I’ve finally realised that when people hurt me, I am not to blame. Peoples actions are no reflection on me and that’s a whole new wake up call. I would never be this positive about myself before but I am a lovely person. I am kind, pretty hilarious, and always give all my heart. If people want to tear somebody so giving down, then there is something seriously wrong with them and not me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still having bad days such as today. My mood has been up and down like a whores kecks today. I have felt lonely, needy and tired and weepy. I’ve had a gray cloud over my head. But unlike before, I know that everything is temporary and this pain will pass. Hopefully meditation tonight will help, although I keep falling asleep doing it!

I have a long road ahead of me, but I never thought I’d get here where I am today by myself. I am feeling more me than in a while. I have started singing again, writing again. I have finally realised that I am a great person and I can make myself happy, by myself, for myself and my little girl. I have the power to change my life, and see all the beauty in the world. Good things will come, but they take time. They don’t happen straight away, but they’re worth waiting for. I can do this.



How to exfoliate sensitive skin!

Do you suffer from dry skin, dermatitis or ezcema?

So do I. And I think we can all agree it’s bloody awful! Especially as a girl and especially in summer. If like me you’re ghostly pale it’s especially a kick up the arse because of fake tan! 

I managed by using sun beds for a while but as a single mum the price kind of built up- not to mention they are really bad for you and sometimes the sweat doesn’t help the itching!

So I resorted back to using this great stuff 

Unlike many fake tans, this one moisturises the skin, smells gorgeous and you can build the tan up gradually overtime. However I was reluctant to exfoliate before I did it because I always come up in a rash and really eachy, so I ended up with white patches where my dry skin is. 

So I did my research and made my own ezcema friendly exfoliator and I am so happy with the results that I thought I’d share it. It’s so easy to make too! 

I used-

  • Half a green tea leaf teabag- read somewhere that it helps get off dead skin
  • Coconut oil- to soothe the skin while scrubbing of course and coconut oil alone is great for dry skin
  • Brown sugar- less harsh than a salt scrub and less harsh than normal sugar. 

All I did was simply melt a scoop of coconut oil in the microwave and added two scoops of brown sugar (so depending on how much you’re making, and what your skins like, use twice as much sugar as oil), poured in the green tea leaf and stirred. Then I put it in a container and in the fridge to set for two minutes.

To use, pour yourself a nice glass of wine and a bubblebath (this is a must) and lightly scrub the exfoliator on your wet skin in circles. Use your favourite sensitive skin body wash, moisturise and viola! You’ve got yourself skin as smooth as a babies butt without itchiness and rashes.

If you have lots of red itchy skin I wouldn’t recommend using it though… Or use a lot more oil than sugar.

Let me know how you get on!

My Kit- Begginers and Advanced

Hello my lovelies! 

My mum bought me a gorgeous make up case off my daughter for Mother’s Day so I thought it would be a good time to show off what items are good for beginners, advanced Makeup users and then what either can use! 

Obviously I can’t name every single product, so it’s mostly just a list of brands with the odd product in there. So, here we go!

Compartment one- Foundations & Concealers 


These can be used by either an advanced makeup user or a beginner pretty much. They include:

  • L’oreal True Match foundation- bought because the infallible didn’t have a very pale shade. Not tried out yet.
  • L’oreal Infallible 24h Foundation- ️amazing coverage, 4 different shades (bless boots for their 4 for £24 offer!)
  • Mac studio fix concealer- I would recommend this for an advanced user only as it’s quite stiff so not easy if you’re trying to figure out your contouring.
  • Maybelline eraser eye concealer- fantastic coverage and easy to use!
  • Rimmel Stay Matte Primer- neutral. To prep the face and help Makeup last longer. 

Also my revolution fixing spray which is fab and can be used by anyone!

Compartment Two- General eye stuff and face stuff

This is kind of my make up messy draw, seeing as all my eyeshadows are usually in palettes. It includes-

  • Disposable mascara wands- Advanced. I use these to brush over my brows before product, and brush out any clumps of mascara. Also to use on clients for hygeine reasons.
  • Nyx liquid illuminated- Advanced. Used to highlight just above the cheekbone and down the bridge of the nose and eye corners.
  • Tinted moisturisers, No7 and Collection- Neutral. Equivalent of BB Cream. For anybody who doesn’t want a heavy coverage or to give skin an added colour (if foundation is too pale etc)
  • Rimmel face powder, translucent- Advanced. Used to brush over Makeup to fix it.
  • Mascaras, Bourjois- Neutral. We all know what Mascaras are for! I love Bourjois mascaras, although my fave is the 10 Seconde.
  • Tweezers- neutral. Unless you don’t know how to use them.
  • Rimmel liquid eyeliner pen- Begginer. So simple to use and great when you’re learning. Does wear off quickly.
  • Nyx liquid liner brush- Advanced. So difficult to use but easy once you’ve learnt. Looks fantastic and long lasting.

Compartment Three- brushes 

I would recommend most of these brushes be used for advanced makeup users. However, while you’re learning you should have basic brushes such as a foundation brush, concealer brush, blush brush, powder brush, eyebrow brush and shadow brushes

Most of mine so far are Real Techniques. There are one or two models own in there which aren’t very effective unless you want very light coverage, and unbranded brushes from ebay which are still fantastic.

Compartment four- Lippies and Glosses


My favourite compartment. I can’t list each product again so I will name brands. These can all be used by anybody, although the matte cream items I recommend for advanced users as lipstick isn’t always easy.

Younique, MAC, Nyx, Rimmel, No7, NuSkin, Soap and Glory, Seventeen, Nyx

Compartment Five- Pencils, Palettes and Necessities



  • No7 eyeshadow palette- Neutral. A Christmas present from my mum. I love this palette cause there’s a wide variety of colours and most are shimmery however they aren’t very pigmented so I like to wet them.
  • Morphe eyeshadow palette- Advanced. Obviously an eyeshadow palette can be used by anyone but to get the most use after this one you need to know how to blend and match the colours. 
  • MUA eyeshadow palette- Beginner. Cheap and easy to use. Not the best pigmentation but not the worst either.
  • Revolution brow palette- Advanced. Only because there are lots of different colours and a concealer and powder in this one. Great for someone who knows their ️Makeup and especially a MUA as there are four different shades.
  • MUA brow palette- Beginner. Easy to use so great for a beginner. Not very high pigmentation though and brush is a bit wirey. 
  • Sleek Midas touch highlighting palette- advanced. Absolutely fantastic! Nuff said.
  • Revolution contour palette- Begginer. Cream contouring with 8 shades, fab for getting to grips with contouring and glides on easy. Easily blendable too.
  • Nyx correct and conceal powder contour palette- Advanced. 8 amazing shades including the best highlighter I have ever used! Check out my how to contour post with more info 🙂 
  • Seventeen contour brick- Advanced. Can’t remember the exact name but it’s fantastic and a dupe for Bobbi Browns shimmer brick. I usually dust this over the apple of my cheeks towards my contour.

Skin prep

Its really important to have skin in the best condition as possible before putting Makeup on. I would recommend this for advanced makeup users though. I have some Simple cleanser, toner and moisturiser and some cotton pads for application.


Because I didn’t have another compartment for these, I packed them in the bottom in a plastic case. They can be used by anyone. They include-

  • True lips- really good. Highly pigmented and long lasting. Got 12 off ebay for £3!
  • Mac- long lasting and highly pigmented, just expensive.
  • Younique- again great, just expensive 
  • Bourjois- affordable and highly pigmented
  • Rimmel- good pigmentation, very affordable, just not long lasting

So there you have it! My Makeup kit 🙂 if you have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask me! If you like the post please give it a star ❤️